NESTING. NERVES.

🌷For years now, I have thought about all the physical moments of pregnancy I will miss out on because of my condition (Asherman’s Syndrome.) I thought about the small moments – peeing on a stick and getting a positive pregnancy test (I still have Kimmy’s!) and “hiding” the pregnancy from always-consuming-caffeine-alcohol-soft-cheeses-and-deli-meat-persons-of-the-world. It was the large moments I grieved the most. Feeling baby kick from the inside. Watching my belly grow. Having Phil feel my belly for the first time and feeling the kicks. Him talking to the baby through my bump. Feeling the emotional hormonal rollercoaster. The weird cravings. I even wanted the morning sickness, never-ending-bathroom-emergencies, and water breaking. 

Even today when I hear a pregnancy announcement, there’s a small (actually, pretty significant size) piece of me that is simply, jealous. Oh, how I hate to admit that. Such a nasty feel. The moment passes quickly, but for a few minutes, I have a personal pity party thinking of all the moments I’ll never experience, and my heart breaks a bit. Reminding myself of how far we have come, and how grateful we are to be where we are, breaks me out of my despondent moment.

This week I experienced a new phenomenon; one that has nothing to do with the physical side of pregnancy, and everything to do with the emotional.

Nesting nerves.

I’ve always known there were things that I would want done before baby arrives, but something about this week just hit me. We have a baby coming in two months. TWO FREAKING MONTHS!!! Thinking about how fast the past two months have flown by, my heartrate skyrocketed as I realized I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO!!!

All baby items must be cleaned. We need to get a feeding station set up. We need diapers in all rooms. Where is the hospital bag? What do I need in the hospital bag? When will the breast pump arrive? Will the hospital have cell phone reception? Did we like the pediatrician enough to go with her when baby is born (we met her for the first time this week)?  How many visitors should we allow at the hospital? We have a lot of stairs in our house, do we need baby gates this soon? What about the carpet – should we have it cleaned? Darla’s breath is terrible, perhaps her teeth need to be cleaned before she licks little lady. Are our cleaning products safe? We need hand sanitizer in every room. The car seat! We need to install the car seat!!!!!!!!!!! 

Breathe.

I’m not a germaphobe. I appreciate cleanliness, but I would never say I’m nearly as obsessive as, say, my husband. But there was this emotional switch that happened this week and I just felt the unbelievable need to get our home and Baby’s things ready.

And when I stopped for a few brief moments (in between coordinating contractors to repair our bathroom, reading our cleaning product labels, and researching diaper brands,) I laughed. For so long, I have been consumed by what I am missing out on, but the reality is, there is SO MUCH of this pregnancy that is ours, and always has been. Phil and I have always referred to “how far along we are,” and this being “our” pregnancy. In a bizarre twist of events, we’ve grown closer through it, because we are truly experiencing this side of pregnancy on parallel paths (watching someone else nurture and grow our baby girl) and talking nonstop about pregnancy and Baby.

This week, Phil and I visited a couple friends of ours who recently had twin (adorable) identical baby girls. We spent so much (almost all) of the time talking about baby things and parenting. At one point, it hit me, “we are having these conversations!” We’ve wanted to have them for so, so long. And here we were, having them, just as any pregnant couple would.

Don’t get me wrong, I would never choose this path. In my perfect world, I would carry our baby. But dwelling on this distracts from the really beautiful other sides of pregnancy that I am 100% experiencing.  I get to watch our baby grow, just next to Kimmy. At some point, our daughter will cooperate, and I will get to feel her kick. I still have all the pregnancy feels of nesting, being nervous, thinking about the future and planning for it. I even get to have the soon-to-be-new-mama conversations.

I still get in my head. I still feel the unsettling feelings of jealousy. I still avoid the maternity section in stores. My heart aches every time I see a pregnant belly. I don’t think any of these feelings will ever completeley disappear. But, as with everything in life, I am a work in progress. And the thing I really want to work on now, is to not let the things that are not going perfectly, distract from the ones that are.

We have a healthy baby girl arriving soon. We have a solid roof over our heads….and I have a partner through it all.🌷