GRANDMA GOODBYE
🌷Grandma Arlene was a lot of things to a lot of people. To me, she was everything.
We arrived home from our whirlwind Babymoon, knowing this 30th week of pregnancy was going to be a heavy one, laying Grandma Arlene to rest.
It was impossible not to think of the arrival of a new life, as we said goodbye to one so very important. Seeing pictures of her from when she was in her teens, 20s, thirties. Seeing her wedding photos, pictures of her as a mom, as a grandma, as a great grandma. Thinking about all the facets of her life as a mother, aunt, daughter. Thinking of her at my stage in life, starting motherhood. Thinking about her and my Grandpa Fred, embarking on the journey of parenthood.
I am unable to put into words what this week has felt like. I feel like I have been hit by an emotional semitruck. It doesn’t feel real.
This past week, every time I would think about how I’ll never hear her voice or hold her hand, oh my, my heart just couldn’t take it.
I’ve known for a long while that I wanted to give my grandmother’s eulogy. I have known her everyday of my life, and she has been by my side for each life transition and milestone. Her and I shared a bond that I’ll never be able to fully explain. Grandma Arlene was loved by many, and I wanted her to hear all the things I, and others, loved about her. Specifically, I wanted her to know how much she meant to me, because to me, she was everything.
Grandma Arlene also lost a son (at birth). I remember growing up and hearing my grandma talk about him (Randy) often. We would visit his resting site. Until Phil and my loss, I never fully grasped my grandmother’s relationship with Randy, but I get it now. My grandmother and I shared an understanding of that pain, that connection. I am so grateful I had her before, during, and after the darkest days of my life.
Part of the reason I choose to share my story is because losing our son, Henry, was the most life-changing, life-defining event of my and Phil’s life. It forever changed who we are as people, and how we approach life and relationships. It has given us perspective on what really matters. The experience is devastating, but if by sharing it, even one person feels less alone, or feels slightly more understood, then the experience has purpose. My grandma shared her experience with me throughout my life (even before we went through our loss,) and in her doing so, she impacted me in ways I never could have imagined.
It breaks my heart that my grandmother suffered the loss of her son. I know the weight of that pain, and I can’t imagine what she went through, all alone, during a time when people just didn’t talk about losses like that. The strength and resiliency she had to not only share her store, but continue fighting for her life and her family, is beyond remarkable. Her strength and resiliency totally unmatched. I truly don’t know if I could have done what she did, had I not had the support around me that I did.
Randy would have been nearly 60 years old. For nearly 6 decades, my Grandma carried the weight of the loss of her son, for the most part, solo. I often wonder if my grandma questioned what was the point in him passing. I know I question this with Henry every day. Regardless, I hope she knows that his life had purpose, even if that purpose was to allow his mom (my grandma) the understanding and compassion that her granddaughter (me) needed when we went through that hell.
I owe so much to Grandma Arlene. More than I’ll ever be able to put into words. The most profound thing is, my grandma gave me the strength to fight through those dark days, and fight for the family I so desperately wanted. My grandma did it for her family, and because of that, I knew I had to do it for mine.
She shared, and so I share.🌷
