MILLER MADNESS
🌷This 20th week of pregnancy was so intense, it feels like our baby girl should be here already!
Right before Phil and I were heading out of town, we got the news that my Grandma Arlene was not doing well. Grandma has been an integral part of my life since the day I was born. She helped raise me, taught me how to drive, how to travel, how to work hard. She taught me how to fight and she was the person who always brought me up. I credit her for my resiliency and for desiring and striving for the life I wanted, even if it was so very different from my childhood reality. Needless to say, knowing that she wasn’t doing okay broke my heart.
Because she started to do a bit better, we decided to continue with our plan to head to Tennessee for Phi’s dad’s surprise 70th birthday party. Going is truly what Grandma Arlene would have wanted.
So alas, we head to the South. If you ever want to confuse a bunch of octogenarians, tell them you have a baby on the way, and when they ask how far along, say “20 weeks”. Watching the confusion on their faces (as I don’t look 20 weeks pregnant,) is comical. What was most fascinating, however, is how open and interested they were when I explained that I wasn’t carrying. I have never experienced so much graciousness, kindness, openness, and willingness to listen from a group of people. I felt completely accepted and welcomed by everyone (many whom I had never met), despite my unconventional journey to motherhood.
This trip was made more magical by a little dude named Miller. Miller made me an aunt and Phil, an uncle. Miller is our only nephew, and he is a boatload of energy and intrigue. He doesn’t walk, he has one speed “run”. There is no “calm” with him. Everything is full force.
We found out we were pregnant almost immediately after Miller was born. Soon after, our lives were turned upside down, being thrown into years of infertility turmoil. Needless to say, despite loving Miller, it was painful to be around him. Miller was a reminder of what we didn’t have, what we had lost, and what we so desperately wanted from life. As much as we tried, we couldn’t enjoy him. I remember Phil being so sad, having to put together a tricycle for Miller soon after we lost our son. It was pure pain.
Anyway, fast forward to this weekend, and it was complete magic getting to spend time with Miller. Watching him interact with Phil. Laugh with him. It was the first time we got to really experience the joy of auntie-and-uncle-hood. This was the first time we truly got to think about Miller as a cousin to our baby. The first time we got to think about Miller and our baby playing together, enjoying the holidays together, celebrating each other’s birthdays, getting in trouble together. For the past couple years, we haven’t been able to let our minds go “there”. We went there is weekend, and it was total Miller Magic.
The weekend ended as fast as it came, and I headed back home (Phil staying back to help his aunt). Despite a massive storm taking out our power (for days) and me coming home to a hot home without electricity and barely-there water, I couldn’t help but revel in the weekend and how profound it was to both of us.
The bow on the end of this week was when I and Darla visited my sweet Grandma. Despite not being “all there”, the first thing she asked me (in her very jumbled words) was if I was alone. See, Phil always visits Grandma with me (and Darla). Just knowing that she was a little disappointed that Phil was not around, warmed my heart. I showed her the 20-week ultrasound visit of our baby. She stared at that video for 5 minutes in total awe. Watching my Grandma watch her great granddaughter. I’m getting choked up writing this. My whole life I have thought about the moment my Grandma would meet my baby. We are so close. We keep telling her she absolutely has to stick around for this baby.
I like having control. Infertility has taught me that the reality is, I don’t have much. I may not be able to control what happens with my Grandma, but I’m sure as hell going to try. If seeing her, talking to her, and showing her our baby, gives her even an ounce of motivation to keep pushing on, that’s what I’m going to do. There’s not a world where Grandma Arlene doesn’t meet our baby.🌷
