INFERTILITY UNFAIRNESS

🌷Infertility is unfair. You can be the healthiest person, make good life decisions, choose a solid partner – and you can struggle to have a baby when so many people “accidentally” get pregnant, don’t want the baby, get pregnant on their first try, or simply have never had to question their fertility or ability to have the family of their dreams.

Once you enter the world of infertility, you’re not allowed to focus on how unfair it is. You’re told by medical professionals, “keep your stress low, stay positive…anything less diminishes your chance of success!!!!!” And then there’s the resounding commentary of “it’ll happen when you stop trying….” (insert all the laughing emojis.)

I’ve tried (and often failed) to stay positive. It’s a lot easier with a baby on the way to stay upbeat and see the [wine] glass as half full. But I gotta tell you, this week, it’s been rough to stay positive. I wanted to throw my Miller-sized toddler pants on and scream “IT’S JUST NOT FAIR!!!”

So, if you’re looking for a rose-colored-glasses kind of post, skip this commentary. I’m going full bananas on some recent rabbit holes I’ve been entering…

Let’s start with maternity leave. It’s no surprise the United States is FAR behind in this respect. Many developed countries provide 6 months to a year of leave for women. In the United States, standard is 6-12 weeks. Now, if that isn’t bad enough the United States is the only developed country that offers no national paid maternity leave (thus, states and companies can create parameters around leaves). This is where it gets personal for me. Because I have not been employed by my company for a year, not only am I not eligible for a maternity leave, I certainly don’t get a paid one. I understand a policy cannot be modified for me. BUT THIS IS SO UNFAIR! I have been a professional for over 12 years, and I am not entitled to a paid maternity leave to bond with my newborn baby. Thankfully, I have an extremely supportive manager (and husband) and have been assured that although I will not receive any paid leave, I can take time off and my position will be waiting for me when I return. I can’t help but think about women not in my position. Women that must choose between bonding with their infant and staying employed because they need the money to survive and/or take care of a baby.

Let’s go one step further and dive into surrogacy. With pregnancies, women can apply for short term disability to receive compensation for 6 to 8 weeks after the baby is born. Because I am not carrying our child, I don’t qualify. Because I am not “recovering” from childbirth, I am not entitled to short term disability because my body “hasn’t went through trauma.” Bullshit. Whomever wrote these standards has absolutely NO IDEA what my body has gone through to create this baby. I never received, nor was I entitled to, any short term disability for the countless days spent in hospitals and operating rooms – getting poked, prodded, cut into, stabbed, maneuvered….all in an attempt to create a baby. I have had my blood taken so many times over the past 2 years, my forearms are permanently bruised. I have spent a month and a half injecting myself with over 70 shots. I have had to physically recover for 5 (going on 6) uterine surgeries (and that’s not counting two egg retrievals), along with all the side effects of various medical protocols, IVF, AND the psychological trauma of multiple miscarriages. My body and my mind have gone through hell, but apparently not enough to justify short term disability coverage for the baby whom we have fought like hell.

I’m not done.

As I mentioned a couple weeks ago, my body has been acting very strangely. I’m suddenly getting a very regular, very normal period. While this is all I wanted to happen a year ago, today, this is frightening. I am working with a doctor to figure out what is going on within my body. The reality is, I’m building up enough lining to have a period, which means I’m building up enough lining to get pregnant. That’s not good news. With my condition (Asherman’s Syndrome) and my miscarriage history, if I got pregnant, it wouldn’t be a matter of “if” I would miscarry, it would be a matter of “when” during the pregnancy (2 weeks…4 weeks….20 weeks). Never in my wildest dreams did I think getting pregnant would be scary, but the thing for which I am most scared, is getting pregnant and miscarrying late, a déjà vu nightmare.

I grieved the loss of not being able to carry my children last year. But now I’m pissed off because I have to revisit things I thought I would NEVER have to 1) birth control and 2) more invasive surgeries. Being a woman is a pain in the ass. It’s a lot of work, and the pressure is ALWAYS on us to make body decisions, especially when it comes to birth control and procreation. I had been on birth control for years prior to trying for a baby, but pumping those hormones through my body or inserting a tool that can damage my physicality – frankly, I don’t feel like I should have to do those things anymore, not after everything I’ve put my body through. And now, because the doctors need a better look at what is going on in my uterus, they must dive back in for another surgery (you can watch for that post mid-August.)

It’s just so unfair. I’m exhausted even writing this. But I have more….

Almost everything with (in)fertility gets placed on the woman. And it’s exhausting. I love my husband, and it’s not his fault he won the biological lottery and doesn’t have to deal with this shit, but I have to admit, sometimes I resent him for not having to take part. He is OH.SO.SUPPORTIVE., but he never has been, and never will be, the one who has the countless doctor appointments, injections, surgeries, etc.. He doesn’t have to track his ovulation cycle to make sure he doesn’t accidentally get pregnant. He doesn’t have to wonder if he is at a higher risk for cancer if he lets his scar tissue reform (also on the table for me.) It’s a lot. Maybe he should get snipped, but the problem with that is, we want a sibling for our child, and there’s always the possibility I will have to do IVF again (and he is still half of the embryo equation).

Having to make all these decisions is SO UNFAIR.

And I have one more….

Despite our baby girl being 100% biologically ours, we must adopt her. This is the true crux to this week of negativity. This feels like a slap in the face after EVERYTHING we have done to get here, especially considering our GC has no biological connection to our baby and we have a contract detailing our relationship with Kimmy, and our baby, including the fact that the moment she takes her first [screaming] breath, she will come to me (and we can make all decisions regarding her). But there are no prebirth orders in Minnesota. So, when our little baby is born, our GC’s name will be listed as “mother” (funnily enough, she can choose whomever she wants as “the father.”) Soon after baby is born, we must go to court with our GC and her husband (and baby), and attest that there is no contest to whom the baby belongs. The original birth certificate gets destroyed, and a new one created, with Phil and my name on it. The fact that we must hire an attorney and go to court to prove something that is the most obvious thing in the world to all of us feels so insulting. But we have no choice. We never had a choice in how we were going to create our baby (IVF and gestational surrogacy), and now we don’t have a choice in how we establish she is ours.

Some weeks are just a lot, and this was one of them. My focus is still on my baby girl, and I am so happy she is thriving, but despite this, life can still be disappointing and hard. One of my very sweet, good friends, was having a difficult week, and after she told me what was going on, she said something to the effect of: “…but this is nothing like what you and Phil had to go through…” I felt awful that she felt like because we have gone through a lot, her pain or stress wasn’t as valid or intense. Stress is stress. I never want to isolate people or make them feel like they can’t express a concern or complain about a hard time *because we have been through hell*. In fact, I want to be the person that people come to when they’re going through “it”. Whatever that it may be.

So, what’s the takeaway from this week? It’s very simple, we all have shit to deal with. Life is messy and hard. Comparing one stress or annoyance to another does no one any good. Let’s just keep opening up to one another, supporting one another, and bitching about the unfairnesses in the world. And when all else fails, spend time with your pets and grandparents…..neither are around nearly long enough.🌷