CIRCLE OF LIFE.

🌷When embarking on a four county European babymoon to celebrate our soon-to-arrive baby girl, we never expected to also be celebrating the life of my sweet Grandma Arlene.

The day before we left for our babymoon, we visited Grandma Arlene. She was unable to talk, but the moment she saw me, she grabbed at the chair next to her, insisting I sit by her. Phil, my brother, and I strolled Grandma (in her wheelchair) around the neighborhood. We told her we loved her, held her hands, and told her Baby was so excited to see her.

On September 13th, we arrived in London. We immediately hit the city, knowing we only had a couple days to take the city and its sites in. The conversation revolved around Baby. “What do you think Baby will think when she sees the Buckingham Palace?” “Do you think Baby will want to see the Churchill War Rooms?” “When can we take Baby to Europe for the first time?” The energy between Phil and I was magnetic and full of hope. We finally made it to our babymoon. We could relax into this trip, knowing Baby was arriving so soon. That same day, we went to Westminster Abbey. We lit two candles, one for Baby, and one for Grandma Arlene. We had done something very similar when we were in New York City, shortly before finding out our second transfer did not work. Thirty-six hours later, we received the news that my Grandma Arlene had passed away in the early morning hours.

While there is truth in the statement, “we knew this day was coming….” There is no way to prepare yourself for the day itself. It doesn’t feel real. When I heard the news, I didn’t understand what my dad was saying. For the past four and a half years, it has been a rollercoaster with Grandma. But with each “close call,” she would recover and continue her fight, not ready to go. To hear the news that Grandma Arlene had decided she was ready (if you knew her, you would understand the only person that was going to decide when she was done, was herself), was a shock I will never get over.

We debated calling off the remainder of the trip and head back to Minnesota to be with family. Ultimately, we made the decision that Grandma would have wanted us to make, and that was to continue the trip and celebrate our Baby. We decided to stay back and also celebrate her.

Over the next week, as we explored London, Paris, Brussels, and Amsterdam, the conversation centered around Baby and Arlene. The profound impact that both ladies have had on our lives. The perspective, happiness, joy, and purpose they have brought. The fact that both lives have so much meaning, despite one no longer being with us, and one we have not officially met. Spending time in Holland, the birthplace of my Grandma’s relatives, including her father, was immensely meaningful. Saying goodbyes to her in the country that she spoke so much about throughout her 83 years was extremely special.

For the past seven months, I have so desperately wanted our Baby Girl to meet the woman that had such a profound impact on my life. I would not be in the position I am today without the constant love, support, and kindness of my Grandma. She taught me what it meant to be loyal, to put family first, and to fight for everything you want, regardless of other people’s opinions. Phil and I would visit her constantly – always talking to her about Baby, and about how exciting the holidays were going to be. We wanted Grandma to feel every bit of love that we had for her, and selfishly, we really wanted her to meet our daughter. I still grapple with whether Arlene stuck around longer than she really should have, (her last couple months were tough on her) because she knew I wanted that moment with Baby and her. I have reminded myself that Grandma Arlene was someone who made up her own mind. If she wanted to try and meet Baby, it was because that is what she wanted, despite my similar goals.

While in Brussels, a good girlfriend of mine, who also went through fertility struggles and had her daughter shortly after the passing of her grandmother, sent me a message stating “….it seems like a life had to end to make room for new life…I’m so sad they didn’t get a chance to meet our girls…”

Life can be so cruel. On the one hand, I hope that my Grandma didn’t have to pass in order to “make room for Baby….” But on the other hand, I think about what my sweet Mother-In-Law said, and that was, “your Grandma had to go now so she could get all her Guardian Angel training in before Baby’s arrival.”

Being amid grief, it is hard to think clearly or rationally. It’s hard to fully grasp the reality of not having my Grandma. Regardless, I have decided to believe that my Grandma had to leave early to watch over her Great Granddaughter. Grandma Arlene watched over me from the day I was born and knowing that Baby will have that same love surrounding her all her life, brings us much needed peace.🌷