Capturing Common Sense
🌷I am sure to appall and offend many parents by this post. I am not, however, providing any advice, rather, I am simply memorializing the AH-HA moments that arose this week.
A few weeks back, I started attending a new mom’s class with other similarly situated women. Nine new moms, ten babies, and a certified instructor providing advice, commentary, and most importantly, comradery for women embarking on this crazy journey of motherhood. Originally, I joined the group, hoping to make new mom friends, growing into this new role at the same time. Most of the moms in my life have been moms for years (and if I have learned anything, a lot of moms block out the first few moms of new-mom-trauma,) or they do not have any children. I can whole-heartedly say, I like every single one of these women. Their vulnerability, openness, lack of judgment and honesty is so cathartic. I know many of us, if not all of us, will continue these relationships long after the class is over.
If the relationships weren’t enough, the practical, simple information I have gained has been truly life changing. Something as simple as the instructor saying, “your baby can’t choke on her own vomit,” was monumental. Evie makes the worst gurgling noises when she’s on her back. I would spend hours flipping her over and making sure she wasn’t going to die! I was given the opportunity to exhale, just knowing this information (I still turn her over if her gurgle gets really bad.)
This week’s class was all about sleep. The elusive holy grail of new parents. People say, “sleep when the baby sleeps!” Oh, if it was only that easy. I think anyone that says this has forgotten what it’s like to have an infant OR has never had children.
I know I am my best “mom-self” when I am well rested. I am learning that Evie is her best, happy baby self, when she is also well rested. Sadly, neither of these things have been happening. We just could not seem to get ahold on decent sleep.
This week’s class was like someone knocking me over the head with a million truth bombs. With all the advice (and often judgment) people like to throw out about attachment styles, formula brands, natural products, I found the following information wildly more impactful and useful:
Baby’s have wake windows that are often only 60-90 minutes long. Here we were, trying to keep Evie awake longer, thinking this would help her sleep better!
Baby’s have 3 levels of tiredness, the goal being to catch them at the first stage when they are showing the early signs of being tired. Once they are at stage 3, they are inconsolable and extremely difficult to put down. I cannot count the number of times Evie would get raging mad. Back arched, inconsolable, and we had NO IDEA what was wrong. Turns out, she was over tired.
Babies can get over stimulated. Evie LOVES being out in the world. She loves brunches and the noises and smells. However, often should would get cranky after and we didn’t know why. Turns out, we needed to be a bit more mindful of how much stimulation we give her at a particular time. We will never stop taking her out with us, but we will be more mindful about how much stimulation we provide in a day.
Although the AAP makes lots of suggestions, these are overarching guidelines based on facts that not everyone has the same resources. For example, the AAP suggests baby stay in a bassinet next to the parent(s) until 6 months of age. This has been very difficult for us, as Evie makes a lot of noise while she is sleeping (see the next point,) and thus, I absolutely cannot sleep when I’m next to the bassinet. I am constantly checking on her, and often times, she wakes up. However, during the day, she naps really well in her crib (monitor on, obviously.) The AAP recommendation takes into account not everyone has a home set up for a separate, convenient sleep space for the baby, and not every home has the ability to have a monitor that can show you (visually and auditorily) every little thing that is going on with the baby. We are in a situation where, even in her nursery, Evie is only feet away from our bedroom and we can see and hear every detail of her slumber by the monitor. Having her in the crib, although I hear her sounds, has allowed me to get a bit of sleep, because WHEN she makes a sound, I can watch the monitor, and see whether she is just active sleeping (see the next point) or actually needs her mama. While likely a bit unconventional, this step has allowed Phil and I to get a bit more sleep, AND Evie is not unnecessarily dirupted by us checking on her, so SHE is getting better sleeper. When me, Evie, and Phil are rested, we are our best selves.
Babies have active sleep. Babies move, make noise, and open their eyes while sleeping! Why has no one told me this!? I read “Bringing Up Bebe”, I love the French parenting philosophy about taking “le pause” and seeing if your baby is actually in distress. However, when the book did not highlight was, “le pause” may be watching the monitor for multiple minutes while Evie opens her eyes, shakes her head, “dolphin flops her legs a few times,” lets out 7-11 grunts, and then goes silent. Birds-eye watching Evie has opened my eyes to the error of my previous ways. While I consciously tried NOT to pick her up at the first sign of a grunt, I definitely didn’t give her the appropriate watch time, and frequently disrupted her sleep, which in turn, didn’t benefit her.
So, while transitioning Evie to a crib, not immediately responding to her first sounds, trying to put her down at the first sign of sleepiness, and noting that she may not be awake for more than 60 minutes at a time may seem like a harsh approach to parenting OR perhaps even that I am trying to find more"
me time,” that could not be further from the truth. I love this little lady so much, everything I am doing is to give her the best chance of being a healthy, happy little lady, now and in the future. Babies need a lot of sleep for brain and growth development. I am trying to learn the best way to provide that for her. I have such a limited time with her, and I know these little things will manifest themselves in little and big ways. I also know I will be totally taken off guard and mess up. Evie’s sleep will change and then I will desparately be seeking additional guidence. But for now, these common sense messages has given my baby multiple 4+ hours of straight sleep, a few 5+, and allowed me to be a better-rested mom, and that’s all I really care about - having a healthy, happy baby and being the best mom I can be.
Now to get the grandparents on board with our sleep styles….🌷
