PARENTING PROBLEMS
🌷This week was tough. Evie's sleep has been subpar at best. After every meal, she has been vomiting all over herself (and me). We constantly worry about her nutritional intake. We are needing to supplement with formula, and that causes its own plethora of anxiety and sadness. Evie has a natural tendency to want to nurse from mom. I die a little every time she roots towards me - knowing that I can't naturally feed her AND she's going to have to wait for a bottle to warm.
Whenever she is unhappy or uncomfortable, she goes H.A.M. She makes sure everyone in the neighborhood can hear just how upset she is. I find myself worrying that I am doing everything wrong. Does my baby hate me? With Phil back to work, we are both underfed, unrested, and unbathed. On top of that, it is impossible to keep up with life. I barely have time to take a shower, much less respond to a text message or throw a load of laundry in the washer (which is also needed with the obscene amount of clothing both Evie and I go through now.) And when my people-pleaser persona comes out, I feel even more guilty saying no to people because not only do I not have the time, I don't have the energy.
And then Evie smiles at me [possibly gas related,] and all those problems seem like white noise. Irrelevant to what we have. The experience of raising a child together. The memories we are creating. Our family's future together.
Thinking back to what it felt like going through infertility. THAT was hell. The uncertainty. The despondency. The unknown. The potential non-resolution. That shit is painful.
If Phil and I were never able to have our baby, I know we would have gotten through to the other side of infertility. Our lives would have looked different than we had hoped, but there would be happiness and joy. Although the pain of infertility would never go away (even having a child, it stays with me,) there would have been peace at some point. Albeit, the timing would have been unknown.
A small note here. If you are reading this and you are in the thick of infertility, be so, so gentle with yourself. I remember feeling like I "had to be ok", "I had to find happiness despite my struggle." While that may sound good looking from the outside-in, when you are going through it, you know, that's almost impossible. Fighting infertility takes up your entire world. In my personal opinion, it's almost impossible to feel positive emotions during infertility, and you should never feel the need to do so; you certainly don't deserve to feel pressured to "move on" and "feel better," although that pressure exists. Be gentle with yourself and feel exactly what you are feeling. For me, being honest with how I was actually feeling, also helped. I lost the energy to put on a brave/happy/confident/joyful face. That shit was exhausting.
Although I don't know how long it would have taken to get on the other side of infertility if a child was not the end result, the best I can do is be grateful for all the tough weeks we do have with Evie. And I so, so am. The feelings accompanying sleep-deprivation, being hangry, desperately needing a shower, and feeling like failing as a mother do not compare to the pain that accompanies being in the middle of infertility.
So, I'm going to take my vomit-stained ass and stare at my screaming baby's face as she proceeds to poop herself and subsequently projectile vomit on herself and me, and be grateful.
And if anyone wants to talk about what they are really feeling - whether about motherhood or infertility, I will be here, no judgment, just compassion.🌷
