LOVE IS LOVE IS ALL THAT MATTERS.

🌷I’m not a crier. I don’t state that with any sense of pride. There have been times throughout my 38 years where I felt so deeply, so intensely, I wanted to cry. But my body wouldn’t let me. My entire being didn’t know how to physically express the feelings I was experiencing. Years of therapy has taught me this is not healthy. Needless to say, the only time I have cried more in my life, than I have this week, was after losing our son.

This week has been full of happy tears and extremely sad ones.

Phil and I traveled to D.C. to watch two of our favorite people marry. Their ceremony could not be more personal – from the personalized vows to the friend officiant, to the family speeches and songs. And to bring this experience closer to home, this couple is on their journey to creating a family via IVF. Watching people who have fought for their relationship, for that relationship to be acknowledged and respected, and the family they hope to build, hit so close to home. When you’re young, you think these are “givens.” Finding a partner, getting married, having children. The reality for a lot of people is these aren’t always guarantees. But they’re worth the fight. Some people must fight really hard just to get a marriage recognized and/or a viable pregnancy. My tears for them this weekend were pure happiness.

And then there are the heartbreaking ones. Four and a half years ago, my grandma had a stroke. My family took her out of the nursing home she was sent to recover (during Covid) and brought her to live with my brother. With the compassion of health aids, the selflessness of my brother, and our family taking turns caring for her, we got many more years with Grandma Arlene than we would have had, had she stayed in the facility. She got to spend the remaining years of her life surrounded by family, friends and their pets.

This past week, she took a drastic turn for the worse. I will never be able to describe what it feels like to watch someone you love in so much pain. Holding her hand, scratching her head, telling her stories. We have been telling her since our positive pregnancy test how much we needed her, how she absolutely had to meet our little girl, and how we wanted her to keep fighting so she could meet her great granddaughter. We showed her ultrasound and nursery pictures. And now, Grandma Arlene is struggling and in unbearable pain. I am struggling with the dichotomy of emotions of so desperately wanting her to meet Baby and also feeling so guilty and selfish of still wanting her to hang on for a few more months so she can meet her.

The hardest conversation I have ever had was telling my grandma that “I am good. I am happy. It’s okay if you want to go home.”

I cannot envision a life without Grandma Arlene. She has been a constant for me through everything. When I lost our son, my mom brought her to me, and despite her inability to talk, she sat with me as I succumbed to all the pain I was experiencing. When my grandma was young, she delivered a stillborn baby boy. She understood this pain and she understood me.

I don’t know what life looks like without her in it. I still can’t wrap my head around not being able to call her, or make her dinner, or watch her love on Darla.

She’s still fighting. And my heart is still breaking, not just for myself, but for the great granddaughter that might never meet this woman that means so much to me, Phil, and Darla.

As I watch people I love marry, say goodbye to someone that I love so deeply, and I think about the love we have for this little one about to arrive, I realize that whether you’re at the beginning, middle, or end of your life, the only thing that matters is the love you share with the people in your life.🌷