double rainbow for a double rainbow baby
🌷Sharing joy after the heartbreak of baby loss is extremely difficult, but profoundly important. When you go through the trauma of any baby loss, you know how painful and hard it is to exist in a world full of pregnant people and babies. Social media makes this exponentially more difficult. It feels like every pregnancy announcement, every birth, every child milestone is out there for the world to see. And your emotions are so confusing. You can be SO happy for the people you love, and at the same time, feel your heart breaking off, piece by piece, every moment someone experiences and shares something you so desperately want.
So, when you finally get to a moment of joy, you likely question one, whether you should share this joy because you know all too well that sharing or posting something might hurt others to see, (or negatively trigger someone who has experienced, or is experiencing, pain you know all too well), and two, how to do so in the most respectful manner.
I have a like/hate relationship with all social media platforms. I also have experienced all the pain that comes from seeing pregnancy and baby posts. Even today, even approaching our third trimester, when I see a post, my first reaction is “oh, please, please, please, let us get there. (We are so close.)”
This week was a reminder of how important it is to share these joys. Someone I care for deeply shared her joy after much, much heartbreak and loss. I screamed when I found out her little one arrived, healthy and safe (and just the cutest.) In a way I can’t fully describe, I felt a flurry of emotions – yes, there was the “oh, I so hope we get there…” but other emotions were more prevalent – relief, gratitude, hope, love. No one wanted her little one to arrive as much as she (and her husband) did, but I felt like I was standing next to her (from miles away) for the past 9ish months, willing this baby to arrive. I wanted this SO BADLY for her too.
And I write all that with a caveat, because when I first found out about her pregnancy, I did not respond in any sort of supportive or loving way. No, in fact, I let my pain, and our losses, dictate my reaction. Truly, one of (if not the) lowest points in my life. I acted in a way, not in accordance with my love for her, but in a selfish way, consumed by my experiences. Blinded by pain.
I write that because one, it’s the truth. I couldn’t see beyond my own agony to support someone I loved who had experienced her own pain. But two, and more importantly, because seeing her announcement this week, was a reminder of the importance of sharing all the joys you want to share, especially the ones for which you’ve had to work so GD hard. Your joy might (and probably will) trigger some people, and it may hurt others, but the people that love you, and care about you, even if they can’t experience the joy in the same moment you do, WILL, without a doubt, get there. And they certainly want you to share your joy and support your decision to (or not to) do so.
And to give this special woman one more shoutout, when she did decide to share her news on her socials, she did it in the most eloquent, and thoughtful way. She has always been someone I looked up to, but in this moment, her grace was on another level. She acknowledged other people’s pains, and she noted how a post such as hers could be triggering, and she very, very bravely, spoke about her own losses. She could have posted that her little one arrived, but she took the opportunity to show the utmost kindness and strength, and acknowledged not only her pain, but that of so many others. It's not easy to do, but reading her writing, I have never been prouder to call her my family. 🌷
