10 thiNgs not to say OR DO to someone struggling with (in)fertility (and what to say OR DO instead…)
🌷Whether you have experienced infertility pain, you likely know someone who is going through it. Because these experiences are so personal, it can be difficult to support someone you love; unfortunately, some of the things people say and do, don’t land well. During my ongoing infertility, certain gestures would make me feel worse, even though I knew the intent was to be loving, kind, and compassionate. I found myself isolating myself more and more from people because I became hyper aware that people did not know how to support me, and frankly, I wasn’t in an emotionally stable enough position to explain what was helpful, and what was not. For those struggling, you know this isolation only makes things worse. Ultimately, people facing infertility are grieving profoundly, and when thinking about how to support someone, think about how you would support someone who has just lost a loved one. Here are my suggestions of what to avoid saying and doing, 'and better alternatives. (Read along further if you would like the “why”.)🌷
Don’t Say: ““I understand because… [insert any phrase]”
Do Say: “I am so sorry for the pain you are experiencing. I wish I could alleviate some of it.”
No two infertility journeys are alike, and no one can understand the journey someone else is on unless you are walking in their shoes. My heart would hurt so bad when people would tell me they understood my pain because “x, y, or z” or “it took them years to get pregnant” or “they did IVF”. Pain is pain, and no one pain is more valid than another. The problem with saying “I understand” is that no pain is the same, and thus, the statement alone, makes someone currently suffering feel even more alone because, no one can be in their pain, in their shoes.
2. Don’t Say: “God has a plan.”
Do Say: “You are in my thoughts every day, and I am sending you love” or (if you are confident in his/her beliefs “I am praying for you.”
My relationship with religion and God has always been evolving, and during infertility, it became even more distressing and confusing (“no God would let this happen….” “why can other people have babies, but we can’t…” “God would never plan to put us in this much pain….”) When people would say that God had a plan, often I would become more conflicted/angry/sad because in my world, I was begging any God that existed to make our pain go away, let us have a baby. And as time went on, and a baby seemed farther and farther away, I became more and more angry at this God, often questioning all of my religious beliefs. Now, by all means, PRAY YOUR ASS OFF, PLEASE! As infertility patients, we understand that others can’t right our situations, but knowing we have love and support around us, that is comforting.
3. Don’t Say: “You will get pregnant when you stop trying.”
Do Say: “I have so much respect for how hard you are fighting to have a baby!”
This comment sounds like, “oh, stop trying, have sex, the baby will come….” Easy peasy! For us, the ONLY way to have children was/is to “try like hell”, undergo IVF, find a gestational carrier. For many infertility patients, the only way to have a child is to be extremely proactive. Yes, you will hear stories of couples getting pregnant after “stopping trying,” but those are the exception, not the rule. The rule is, for most infertility patients, we must try harder to have a baby than anything we have ever tried for in our lives.
4. Don’t Say: “Just stay positive!”
Do Say: “This must be so difficut…..what a nightmare…..” (almost anything is better than “stay positive”
Oh, if only it was that easy! Although well intended, it lands so poorly. People going through fertility are going through hell and we are grieving. We are experiencing profound loss, whether it is the loss of a baby, the loss of a life we once saw, the loss of control over our future, (and for some couples, the loss of their relationship.) When someone is going through infertility, it feels like a death has occurred. You wouldn’t say “just stay positive” to someone who has lost a loved one, and for the same reason, stay far, far away from this comment to someone facing infertility.
5. Don’t Say: “What can I do for you?”
Do: Just Do.
Infertility is exhausting, and it doesn’t happen in a vacuum. We still have lives, jobs, relationships, and responsibility every day. It can take all our energy just to wake up in the morning. When asked this question, it becomes one more thing to do, another responsibility. Instead, just do. Send a meal. Send a card. Give a hug. Take their dog for a walk. Wash their dishes. Leave bagels at their doorstep. Even if the meal is terrible, even if you do a shitty job cleaning, I promise you, they will appreciate you showing your support.
6. Don’t: Do Nothing At All.
Do: Reach out.
It can also be very difficult to support someone who is struggling. Often, people don’t know what to do or say. People will even say “we don’t know what to say or do.” My advice, if you are at a loss of what to say or do, just let the person struggling know you are thinking about them. A simple heart emoji or a text saying “thinking about you” goes SO far. We don’t need extravagant messages or gifts; we just need as much love and support around us when we are going through the darkest period of our lives. Speaking from personal experience, those small messages were often the only thing that got me through a day.
7. Don’t Say: “At least you can drink wine/coffee/etc.”
Do: There is none. Don’t touch something you think may be a “benefit” of infertility. It’s not.
Yes, a lot of women love their wine (me included!) and love our caffeine (definitely me!) but there is not a single food, dietary, or physical restriction more painful than not being able to carry my own children. Again, comments like this are not malicious, and we understand that, but hearing it feels very invalidating and makes us feel like our pain is being diminished. Simply stay aware from the “At least you can…..” comments.
8. Don’t Say: “I hated being pregnant, at least you don’t have to go through x, y, z”
Do: Stay silent when it comes to any sort of complaints about being pregnant.
We understand pregnancy can be difficult. Many infertility patients have experienced pregnancy (I have, for example.) However, there is not a single pregnancy symptom or pain we couldn’t welcome if it means we could be pregnant.
9. Don’t: Expect their presence at celebrations.
Do: Invite them to celebrations, and kindly acknowledge you understand if they cannot attend.
When someone is going through infertility, nothing feels celebratory. “Celebrations” can become extremely stressful and sometimes make what we’re going through feel worst. I remember thinking, “how can I possibly celebrate Thanskgiving, Christmas, our Anniversary….I don’t feel any sense of joy.” That said, sometimes, I wanted to get out of my funk, see people, “try” to celebrate. Thus, the invites were always welcomed, but the thing that meant the most, was when people understood if I was not able to join in their celebration. I never expected people to stop living their life or experiencing joy. In fact, I so despartely wanted to be there with them, I just couldn’t fake it at times when I had no celebration in me.
10. Don’t: Blindly share pregnancy announcements.
Do: Gently share pregnancy announcements in a matter that allows the person you love to process privately. Sending a text or calling is probably best.
When someone is struggling with their fertility, they are not naiive to the fact that people are going to get pregnant every day, even those that they love. We want to hear this news, but we don’t always know how to process it. We can similarily be so happy for “you,” but at the same time, be reminded of what we don’t have. This juxtaposition of emotions can be extremely hard to navigate, and it becomes more painful when we have to do it in front of someone, or a crowd of people. Simply be sensitive to this when sharing your exciting news. I promise, we ARE excited for you, but we are grieving at the same time. This is the same reason it may be difficult for someone to attend a gender reveal or gender reveal. Share your news privately, either one-on-one or even over the phone. 🌷
