THE JOYS (AND SADS) OF CHRISTMAS

🌷This week’s mom win: Evie was in inconsolable pain. We had no idea what it could be, until my sweet mom mentioned that perhaps she had a diaper rash. We had been using cream consistently. When I heard this, I knew it was time to break out the big guns, and we brought out the medicated stuff. And guess what? Her rash cleared up AND she no longer screamed in pain for no apparent reason. Alleviating our baby’s pain felt like the biggest mom win yet - even if it was my mom that had to point out the obvious to us.

The holiday season, especially around Christmas, has always been my favorite time of year. Knowing we would be celebrating with our sweet month-old baby Evie, I had never been more excited about Christmas to arrive.

Phil and I had been talking about the 2024 holidays since finding out we were pregnant in March (knowing Evie would be born right around Thanksgiving.) Oh, what joy we were looking forward to! Baby’s First Christmas! We anticipated, and we were so right, that everything was exponentially more magical this year. The Christmas lights shown brighter! The decorations were more brilliant! The holiday outfits made everyone feel just a little more special! The food and wine were perfection! The family time had never been more special and joyous! The new traditions (a special evening meal with just the 4 of us - Darla, Evie, me, and Phil, after lighting the Menorah candles with my in-laws, and the old traditions - Christmas morning with my parents and brother.) Everything had an aura of glow and peace to it. Not to mention the gratitude we all felt this year, thinking back to the past two Christmas’s where none of us knew whether we would get a Christmas like the one we had this year.

The joy of this Christmas was palatable to every single person in our family.

And then it was over. The decorations were removed, the leftovers thrown away, the tree left on the sidewalk to be discarded. I have always felt a little sad, come December 26th, but this year, the feeling was so intense, I felt the weight of it in my bones. I felt so despondent, I went for an extra-long run, just trying to get out of my head.

Becoming a mom has been so profound. Every moment feels so important, so special, and SO FLEETING. Phil, being the amazing husband and father that he is, encourages me to get out with girlfriends, and let’s me know he’s totally fine hanging with Evie alone. But I cannot imagine leaving Evie’s side for very long. Every time I look at her, I feel like she has changes. I have this prodigious sense that I am going to miss something. I’m sure these feelings are normal, and somewhat irrational, but frankly, I don’t give AF. I know the dinners, happy hours, my professional personal and responsibilities, the outings, the chats….they will all be there when I am ready. Little Evie, however, will only be this small, this ever-changing, for such a small time.

This Christmas, as the holiday season was put to rest (under our staircase), I had to face the reality that Evelyn would never wear her “First Christmas” outfits ever again (unless we have multiple major blowouts in a day, and need backup clothes,) she would never be 1 month and 2 days old again, she would never see Christmas lights for the first time again.

Christmas always comes and goes so fast, but my goodness, this year felt like we were on a high-speed train that I just wanted to stop. I wanted to wrap the entire holiday in bubble wrap and stop time. The four of us, lounging in our living room, the Christmas tree lit, the house filled with lovely holiday food scents, and Evie cooing and hiccupping as Darla licked her hair.

Alas, the holiday season must end and Evie must get older. Oh, the sads!

Rather than continue this spiral down the bleak rabbit hole of getting older, I am trying to remind myself that we have so many special holiday moments ahead of us. Yes, Evie will never be this little, but next year, she’ll be just over a year old at Christmas. She’ll be interacting with us more than ever. Maybe she’ll say a word or two. Every day that Evie gets older, is another day we get to spend with her and learn about her, from her. A year ago, we did not know if we would get ANY of these moments, and today, we have a plethora of them to look forward to, even as so many pass us by. What a special when to close one holiday season - knowing we have years and years of them ahead of us.🌷