HEARTBEAT HEARTBREAK
🌷This has been a rough week. Officially in our second trimester and in our fourteenth week of pregnancy, I wasn’t prepared for the anxiety that this week would bring. I should have known….
Two years ago, when we lost our son, I was 19 weeks pregnant (we were at a routine check-in and there was no heartbeat. When I was transferred to another hospital to confirm that our baby had died, they measured him (in utero). Henry stopped growing at 13.5 weeks gestations. We’ll never know when he passed away, just that his body stopped growing around the start of my second trimester.
You likely have never heard of a missed miscarriage. I certainly had not. It’s when a baby passes away, but the mother’s body doesn’t miscarry naturally. In other words, her body holds onto the pregnancy and the baby. In my heart, Henry lived within me for 19 weeks, but I’ll never know how much of that time he spent not alive (I can’t use the other word). This realization caused a massive amount of trauma. The thought of what was going on inside my body, without my body reacting. Even writing about this, I feel nauseous. It’s too much to bear. It’s horrendous.
Fast forward to today, and thankfully, the standard of care has changed for many women (those who conceived via IVF and/or those over 35). We now get a detailed ultrasound at 12 weeks gestation. I’ll always wonder if I had been afforded that opportunity two years ago, if I would have gained some knowledge that would have prevented so much of my heartache, years of surgery, and ultimately, the loss of my ability to carry.
I digress. Back to this week. Knowing that our baby girl entered the 14th week of gestations – all I wanted to know was whether her heart was beating. I wanted to know all the symptoms Kimmy was experiencing. I felt an immense amount of stress because I just could not get it out of my head that “what if there is something wrong with me/us, and our babies can’t survive past 13.5 weeks.” All I want to be able to do is read the signs of my body’s pregnancy. But my pregnancy is in Kimmy’s body. It’s s mindf*&#.
When I chatted with Kimmy, I wanted to know so much, and (as I often do) I started to overthink my interaction - I worried I was bothering her. I was stressing her out. She didn’t want to see me. (These were my thoughts, not hers). She had no idea where my head was at, the trauma that was rearing its ugly head. She told me she tried her doppler on her belly and she heard baby’s heartbeat, but then she tried the doppler on her son’s belly, and also heard a heartbeat (her son now jokes that he has a baby inside him!) Thus, she thinks the doppler is broken.
This caused me so much angst. What if there is no heartbeat? What if baby girl isn’t thriving (despite all the positive signs we’ve been given…. Kimmy is still nauseous, all our test came back normal, genetically, she is perfection.)
Oof. It’s been a lot. I’m struggling right now to balance my needs (knowing our baby is still doing okay,) and respecting Kimmy’s boundaries. She has three kids, a husband, a job. She’s been pregnant multiple times, and she knows how to do this. I trust her implicitly. But my heart is still bruised and beaten from our past.
I still haven’t heard the heartbeat this week. I know it’s there. Even as I write that, there is fear in my heart. Right now, I would give anything to be carrying my daughter.🌷
