PREGNANCY PROBLEMS
🌷A positive pregnancy test was all I wanted for years. Receiving one this past Sunday was the biggest nightmare imaginable.
I've consistently gotten my period since June 2024, but it is so light, sometimes barely noticeable. When I was at Mayo in October, I was told my Asherman's scarring was gone, but there was very little lining, and the lining that existed was not healthy. It would be nearly impossible for me to get pregnant, and if I did, I would either 1) not be able to keep the pregnancy and miscarry immediately or 2) if the pregnancy did progress, the embryo/fetus/baby would face so many physical obstacle (because of my fucked up uterus), I would have to electively terminate; the only question would be at what point in gestation.
The impossible happened, and I got pregnant. What I thought was my period, was likely implantation bleeding. The only reason I took a pregnancy test was because I physically felt off, and I continued (and continue) to bleed for over 2 weeks.
Going into the OBGYN, knowing that not only did I actually get pregnant, but that I was likely actively miscarrying was heartbreaking, isolating, and emotionally devastating.
Blood work had to be done to confirm I was pregnant (I was), an ultrasound had to be performed to rule out an ectopic pregnancy and see how far along I was (likely less than 6 weeks due to the small yolk sack and egg, but no heartbeat), and then we had to discuss next steps.
My body cannot carry a pregnancy. Thus, I knew this was always going to result in a loss regardless of whether I was actively miscarrying at that time, or whether the miscarriage would happen at a later date, and I was forced to expedite the process. What I never thought I would EVER have to do was talk about the process of expediting the process. The procedures (including the procedure that started my fertility hell, a D&C). The pills. The necessary medical intervention.
How Phil got me pregnant is a total crap shoot. We understand fertility and birth control. We're not ignorant, but we never thought, in a million years, we would be here. I never wanted this to be part of our story. I hate the thought of knowing it will always be.
On the one hand, I am grateful I'm in a state where I have access to amazing female healthcare; that I am not forced to wait months and months for my body to do what it would inevitably do (miscarry, if I hadn't already.) On the other hand, I find myself so fucking mad all over again at this same medical system for putting me in this place. Performing a surgery on me years ago, not following up, and therefore destroying my ability to carry a pregnancy. Thus, forcing me into a situation like I am currently in, where I have to say I am electively terminating a pregnancy. Let's be really clear here, there is no election on my part. My body cannot carry a baby. I would love nothing more than to be pregnant and grow a baby. Sadly, that's not my reality, so my "elective termination" is in actuality, a forced one. A medical system that changed the course of my life forever, and then, puts the onus back on me to do something I would never do if it wasn't medically necessary. People think abortions are choices. For many women, like myself, they could not be further from the truth.
To make things worse, I have never felt more isolated or alone. Who can I talk to about this? Who can possibly understand why a positive pregnancy test for an infertile woman is not a blessing, but rather a nightmare? The end result is a loss that I must deal with, heal from, and sadly, face alone. On the one hand, I want to share this pain, but on the other hand, I don't even know how to begin to explain this heartbreak. 🌷
