MOTHER’S DAY HITTING A LITTLE DIFFERENT THIS YEAR…

🌷Mother’s Day. A day that holds a plethora of emotions depending on your relationship with “mothers” and “motherhood”. Happiness, excitement, anger, ambivalence, gratitude, sadness. We all have some connection to mothers, motherhood, or mother-figures. We are all touched by this day in one way or another. For me, the past three Mother’s Days have all been SO different. Mother’s Day 2022, I was pregnant, but we hadn’t told anyone yet. The pregnancy was young, we were SO excited, but we were also cautious of the possibility of miscarriage during the first trimester. We spent that Mother’s Day saying, “can you imagine Mother’s Day NEXT year, with our baby!?” We were SO happy. We were SO hopeful. We had the most special secret, and we could not wait to tell people, but we celebrated privately.

Mother’s Day 2023, we were in the depths of hell. We had lost our son, I was in recovery from yet another failed surgery, and I was grappling the news I would never be able to carry my own children, while grieving the loss of our son. I was ANGRY, mad, pissed off at the world. Henry was stolen from me, and now my ability to carry was ripped away too. I would see people with their mothers and think about how I was SUPPOSED to have my baby boy with me, and instead, I had a heart and a body completely broken. I was terrified of the reality that I would need to do IVF and find a gestational carrier. Even then, there was no guarantee we would have a baby. I have never been so terrified in my life than during that time when I did not know if I would ever have my own children. I know I spent that Mother’s Day with my mom (I do every year,) but I could not tell you what we did. The only memory I have is the absolute sadness and fear of that day.

And then this Mother’s Day. 2024. Officially 11 weeks pregnant. Still in our first trimester. Unlike 2022, our news has been shared with those closest to us (“choosing to choose joy, after all”. I spent the day with my mom and then I went to my first ever “Mother’s Day Social,” where a bunch of women (not all mothers, but again, all attached to motherhood,) get together and eat, drink and socialize. It was so fun! More importantly, it was so cathartic. These women shared their stories about their children, motherhood, being a woman. I felt like my heart was slowing mending, or rather, becoming less hardened, being around these women.

I was asked if I had children, and I explained “I have one on the way.”  (I think a few of the women glansed down at my glass of bubbly as I said this). They all wanted to hear more. I didn’t plan on telling everyone my story, I just wanted to celebrate with them, but as the questions went from “how far along are you?” “do you know the gender”, “how are you feeling…” the natural progression was to explain that I am not carrying (although, I still feel the need to say “it’s my egg!”) As I explained the past couple years, a few other women opened up about their infertility journeys. At one point, a mother looked at me and said, “I never had any infertility issues. I got pregnant and had two easy pregnancies. I was so lucky. I will never be able to understand your pain, but you’ve taught me so much. Thank you for sharing.” I wanted to cry. Grateful tears. Hearing someone who has NOT experienced infertility acknowledge: one, she cannot understand our pain, two, she IS lucky and three, she appreciated learning about this, meant SO MUCH. The prior Mother’s Day, so much of my pain was caught up in the anger I felt for mothers who never had to fight to have their babies, could not appreciate how hard it is for a lot of us women, and yet, still seemed ungrateful for their luck.

I know how comforting it is to have the support of other women who have had infertility journeys, but sharing my story this Mother’s Day taught me how beneficial it is to share with those who have not had to struggle. They can also offer support and a lot (hopefully) want to learn, because, as I’ve said so many times, EVERYONE knows someone who has had an infertility journey.

I left the Mother’s Day celebration feeling stronger than ever. I became a mother two years ago when I became pregnant, but his Mother’s Day hit so much harder, because this year, I feel the beautiful weight of motherhood. I feel the intense excitement to hold our baby, the fear of “being a great mom,” and most importantly, I feel so grateful that I have a path to our baby. I will NEVER take for granted the absolute miracle that being a mother is, and how lucky I am to get to be a part of this amazing club.🌷