choosing to choose joy

🌷 This week we chose to tell our families about the pregnancy. Two years ago, Phil and I chose to wait until my second trimester to tell anyone I was pregnant. We wanted to make sure we could be “in the safe zone” before telling anyone. The vicious irony of it all was, we were well into the safe zone when we lost our son at 19 weeks.

So, why would we share this pregnancy news so soon?

The reason is simple, we have been void of joy for years and many of our family members shared in this sadness. There was absolutely no way in hell we could keep the joy of pregnancy to ourselves. And yes, we are aware of the risks, and possibilities of sadness, but we’re not allowing our brains to go there. As humans, we need joy, hope, and happiness. Without it, life becomes a constant struggle, and you start to question everything – your purpose, your life, your relationships, everything. My husband and I have been living in a dark hole for so long, when we were presented with the opportunity to experience joy, we chose to take it.

Phil and I were on a walk this past week, and he made the comment that for the first time in years, he saw a “light at the end of the tunnel and didn’t have to worry it was a train.” When you go through trauma (such as infertility), even when you get glimpses of happiness or hope, you start to wonder when the next shoe is going to drop, when the reality sadness will surface. After the loss of our son, this was our experience. Every surgery I went into (there were 5), I would have a glimmer of hope that after the procedure, we could get pregnant. And each time a doctor told me the surgery was unsuccessful, and I needed another surgery, my hope chipped away, until it wasn’t there. My hope resurfaced when we met Kimmy. We had someone that could carry for us. With each loss with her (there were 2), our hope was destroyed once again.

My hope today, and the joy I am experiencing now, is the result of an ongoing pregnancy (something we haven’t experienced in two years). So, am I aware that my hope and joy could be stripped away? Absolutely. Am I terrified of this possibility? Without doubt. Am I willing to deny myself, Phil, and our families the joy of this pregnancy? Not a chance in hell.🌷