BIRTHDAY BABY.

🌷A few years ago, Phil and I would play a game, asking each other "where do you think we'll be when we're "38". Our answer back then was, "trying for our second baby." Clearly, life had different plans for us.

I officially entered my 38th year this past week. It was a little surreal. This was the first birthday, I was like, "whoa, I am really, really close to 40."  I left for college when my dad was 40, and here I am, waiting on a baby! Wild.

Phil and I decided to celebrate by taking a quick weekend gateway to Montreal. This was the first trip we had been on in years where we weren't trying to escape our reality. This was the first time we got to celebrate an event, and for the celebration not to be clouded by the reality of our fertility struggles. 

I remember a few times over the past years where we would get away. We would still enjoy each other's company, but the conversation always turned to "do you think we'll actually get a baby...what's our next step....when should we plan the next IVF cycle?" There was no way to escape it. No matter how cool the scenery, how much wine we consumed, how beautiful or thoughtful a gift was, how perfect the weather, how funny the commentary, or how great the company, every day was shrouded in this grey cloud, because the only thing we really wanted, was a baby.

The funny thing about this birthday was there were SO MANY disasters. We had awful flights that kept getting delayed. Montreal was having a massive heat wave, and we were constantly sweaty. Phil had extreme stomach problems at dinner our first night and rushed out of the restaurant back to our hotel, leaving me alone in a crowded, beautiful restaurant! Even when we came home, we had a home invasion scare, and the police came to our house, leaving us in the driveway, scared to death. Despite all these nuisances, this birthday could not have been more joyful. Every moment was special. Even Phil's "issues" were comical. 

The best part of this birthday was the authentic happiness we felt. In the past, we would be "happy," (and we truly enjoyed our time together,) but it wasn't genuine. It was like we had to fake it, in an attempt to make it. In all honesty, until we got the positive pregnancy test, we really didn't experience true happiness. 

That said, if our fertility journey ended without children, Phil and I would have absolutely found happiness. I know this with certainty because through all the shitty times, he never once left my side, he never wavered in his love for me, and he fought like hell for me and the family we wanted to create. Being with him through all of that showed me that I already had a family, with or without children. I say that because it's important to note, not all fertility journeys end with children. Many do not. But, if you have a partner (whether that be a spouse or a parent or a sibling or a best friend), then you have a family. It may not be the family you envisioned with children, but it is family, nonetheless. 

Going through infertility is a trauma. No one can deny that. And the other side of a fertility journey does not look the same for every person. Some people have children. Some do not. Some marriages make it. Some do not. Some friendships get stronger. Some are lost. The only thing that is consistent with every fertility journey's finality, is you will leave it stronger. And ultimately, because of this strength, you will find happiness.  🌷